Clarity amid the confusion

There is a lot of confusing, conflicting and scary info out there about COVID. I’ve done some research and found the most helpful, accurate guidelines and wanted to share.

1. If you touch something you shouldn’t have, hold your hands away from your body for at least 7 days and learn to use your feet for picking things up.

2. Keep at least 100 feet away from Bigfoot at all times. This is always a good idea but he’s particularly ornery these days.

3. Find ways to keep yourself distracted. The CDC recommends pantsless ukulele playing but there are lots of other pantsless hobbies to choose from.

4. If you need to get out of the house, shave your eyebrows first. This will ensure that no one comes within 6 feet of you.

5. Practice good hygiene. Always dip your finger in a 70%+ alcohol solution before picking your nose.

6. If you’re missing human connection, set up a virtual happy hour. To properly sanitize your liver, all drinks must be at least 140 proof.

7. Get some exercise. Just find an activity where no part of your body touches anything at any time and bathe yourself in a 1000% acid solution upon completion.

Hope this helps. Stay safe everyone and don’t forget to disinfect your ear hair at least 3 times a day.