Crushing the Pandemic® Day 139

The craziness of 2020 has a lot of people dying for a vacation. Some are heading to the beach, others to remote corners of our national parks. And a few are deluding themselves into thinking a “staycation” is some kind of awesome homespun adventure and not a pathetic cry for help.

Eff all that.

If you have an ounce of self respect left in your weaselly little soul, what you really need is a CrushCation™.

There’s no ocean, no wildlife, no creepy cosplay characters waving at you while you shove deep fried turkey legs into your oversized pie hole.

For just $10,000 plus a 27% Crushsort™ fee, you’ll enjoy seven days and seven nights of pure, unadulterated misery. Customized to your unique weaknesses to bring pain and embarrassment every moment of every soul sucking day.

But wait, do we ever get to sleep, you ask in your whiniest voice possible?

Of course you do, cupcake. Three hours a night of hyperactive rest, with Megadeath cranked up to 11 so your loser brain can keep grinding as your pathetic body lay useless on our hand-stitched, 25 thread count burlap sheets.

At oh-two-hundred, you’ll be roused by a herd of roosters cock-a-doodle-dooing over our 10-million-watt PA system. Nutrient dense CrushBars™ are hidden throughout our facility; just punch through our 3-inch dry wall and maybe you’ll find breakfast.

Each day brings a new lesson in Crushistry™. Public belittling, power blogging, hardcore tweeting, explosive emailing and more. All taught by Board Certified CrushMasters™ with over 10,000 units of combined fist bumping experience.

When it’s all over, you’ll receive a laminated Certificate of Crushpletion™. And you’ll get a 5% discount at our gift shop (conveniently located just past the hall of middle fingers), filled with trinkets, t-shirts and an array of self-torture devices.

So what are you waiting for? Treat yourself to a CrushCation™ today, hotshot. Even though you’re probably not worth it.