Crushing the Pandemic® Day 187

People are worried about a “second wave” of COVID.

I get it. Anything that threatens one’s ability to deliver MaximumCrushitude™ should be seen as a mortal threat.

That’s why I’m wearing 27 masks as I write this. I’ve got all of my orifices (orifi?) covered and I’ve laminated my entire body in a Purell-based polymer.

Every time I cough, I pummel myself with a series of full-force neck punches. There’s not a COVID on this planet that could survive that impact.

And to be extra, extra sure I’m crushing this Godforsaken pathogen into the next universe, I am gargling with a 50/50 salt and nail solution every time one of my coworkers uses the words “circle back.” I’ve done it 39 times today already!

So the next time you start whining about “the virus” keeping you from going full grind on the reg, mask up, head down to the local Crushware™ store, and stock up on some heavy duty 24-grit sandpaper. It’s great for scraping COVID bits off every nook and cranny on your pathetic little body. It’s also perfect for wiping away loser tears.