Crushing The Pandemic® Day 220

Eight months in and man, the pandemic fatigue is starting to seriously interfere with people’s CrushCapacity™.

Sure, it was nice being home all day for a while, but now, our most EssentialCrushers™ are facing some severe grind-depleting inconveniences. For the good of our republic, we must respond swiftly and with overwhelming Crushitude™.

For instance, my Nespresso machine has been on the fritz for over a week now, and I’ve been freaking out about it pretty hard. How am I supposed to get it fixed without having some dirty repairperson slathering COVIDs all over it?

Fortunately, my brain is fully stocked with pandemic-resistant CrushCells™ and led me to the obvious solution—I can just buy a new machine and get it delivered right to my door. I think the new model comes with an upgraded Milk Frother. Score!

I can also CrushItForward™ by donating the broken one (shh, don’t tell anyone) to Goodwill. Maybe they’ll do one of those feel-good pieces about my generosity on the local morning show—I should order some new fist bump cufflinks (available for just $499.99 at crushingthepandemic.com/store) just in case.

My elite level grindiosity may have helped me avoid total CrushTastrophe™ this time around, but who knows what tragedy will strike next? Will my online Bonsai Tree classes get canceled? Will the guy who trims our bougainvilleas miss next Thursday’s pruning? Will that amazing Sushi place stop delivering because their drivers are too reckless to avoid getting sick?

This shit is getting very real, people. And it’s us ThoughtCrushers™ who are clearly getting hurt the most. We need to replenish our CrushReserves™ STAT, before the world goes into a downward grind spiral.

I can’t think of anything that would be more tragic than that.