Crushing the Pandemic® Day 222

Self-care is so important right now.
And from where I’m sitting, most of you are doing it wrong.

Lots of people are experimenting with yoga, massage, meditation, etc., thinking this will somehow make a difference.

It won’t.

Unless you want to self-care yourself into a flaccid, doughy pile of crush-free porridge.

Fortunately, I’ve been dominating the self-care grind on the reg for decades. And I’m prepared to stuff my 7-step regimen down all of your fat faces right here and now:

1. Wake up at 3:45am and immediately do 10 self-neck punches followed by 100 kegels

2. Crank Megadeath’s “Symphony of Destruction” to 11 while gargling a solution of boiling water, pop rocks, and ghost pepper extract

3. Go for a 10 mile run around the neighborhood in my wildebeest furry costume while screaming insults at myself in the voice of Pepe Le Pew

4. Get home, chug a raw egg and hawk feather smoothie

5. Jump in an ice cold shower, sing “Gloria” at the top of my lungs, exfoliate with a nice honeydew melon and fire ant scrub

6. Suit up in a snug onesie from our new line of grind-sweat wicking CrushGear™

7. Pop a fresh Tide Pod between my cheek and gum, and I’m ready to destroy my day

So, how do you losers like to self-care?