Crushing the Pandemic® Day 275
Ho, ho, ho, CrushFuckers™, y’all ready for some serious yuletide merriment? Probably not, so here's a handy list to help you destroy the holiday the way Baby Jesus intended.
1. Trim the tree with motivational quotes and 1,000 Gary Vee mini bobble heads.
2. Gather round the fire and sing death metal versions of everyone’s favorite carols.
3. Watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” so you can see what happens to deadbeat losers who ask for handouts on the eve of our Lord’s birth.
4. Put a mask on the ham
5. Go door to door and tell all the naughty kids they ain't getting presents this year. They need to learn early that losers always lose, hard.
8. Get Santa a P90X subscription so that fat bastard can finally get in shape and give Mrs C. something to feel merry about.
9. Put sweat-wicking GrindSocks™ in everyone’s stocking. When they thank you, tell ‘em, “know what else makes a great stocking stuffer,” as you glance at your crotch.
10. Candy Canes? F that S. I give everyone an 80-pound candy kettle bell. You want some of that stripy sweet deliciousness? You’re gonna work for it, Skippy.
11. Two words: Reindeer Burgers
Don’t forget to keep a safe distance from your family while you tell them how pathetic they are. Merry Crushmas™ everyone!