Crushing the Pandemic®, Day 71:

I turned my entire house into my personal CrushPalace™. And you can too, in 5 easy steps:

1. Get yourself some disinfecting CrushWipes™ and scrub away any lazy loser residue. Trust me, it’s all over the place.

2. Buy some of my exclusive CrushCrystals™ and hang them in every room, including bathrooms. The hustle doesn’t get pee breaks.

3. Get at least 3 pairs of CrushGoggles™, available on my site for just $99.99 plus tax, shipping and grind fees. Being a house-bound baller gets messy; you’ll thank me for this later.

4. Invest in good set of non-stick CrushWare™. Every item in our 10-piece set will annihilate any recipe you dare lay upon its hand-hammered stainless steel surface.

5. Order a case or twelve of CrushCola™ with 1000 mg of caffeine per serving. You’ll be so jacked up, your shoes will disintegrate each time you stomp on your weak-ass, under caffeinated competition.

P.S. I also have a full line of designer CrushMasks™ and high-potency HydroxyCrushoquine™ for those who absolutely must take their GrindShow® on the road. Crush safely, my friends.