Crushing The Pandemic® New Year’s Edition

What a fucking year, huh? While most of the country was whining like pathetic loser babies, I was out there turning 2020 into my little bitch.

I cranked out 147 sick-ass Powerpoint decks, with high res images and epic headlines on every page.

I destroyed over 350 word documents, with track changes on, like a GD boss.

I beat 427 photoshop files—all PSBs, of course—into complete submission.

Lastly, and most importantly, I pummeled my LinkedIn feed nonstop with some of the gnarliest Thought Crushership™ human eyeballs have ever witnessed.

Any normal person would be completely spent after such a display of domination, but not this indefatigable CrushBeast™. The fire within me runs so hot, I’ve burned through 752 face masks already and had 37 hair transplant operations to reseed my singed follicles.

2021 is gonna be the sickest year yet. I’ve already snorted 57 doses of the COVID vaccine and plan to keep going until my entire being becomes a massive virus sucking machine, devouring every last COVID on the planet, and infusing me with infinite immunity to any pathogen that even thinks about existing in this universe.

Happy New Year everyone. I look forward to crushing you and your stupid faces for the next 365 days and beyond.