Happiness is not being asked if you're happy
“Are you happy?”
A stammer. A gulp. A flick of the eyes up and to the left… pondering, calculating, carry the one…
Am I?
I was momentarily delighted earlier when I had that donut. I was fairly pleased yesterday when I found a five dollar bill in that little pocket in my jeans that I never use except for apparently that one time. I was content when I sat outside for two minutes between calls on Monday and caught of whiff of some flower my wife probably knows the name of.
But happy? I don’t know, man. Can I get back you?
Studies show that we actually feel the emotion “happiness” pretty rarely. Most times, if we’re being honest, we’re feeling a bit tired, uncomfortable, gassy or otherwise slightly “off.”
And happiness, even when we do feel it, is fleeting.
So what does it mean to be “happy?” Is it even worth striving for? It’s an election year, so I’m gonna give a wishy washy, political answer.
No, we shouldn’t spent our time chasing those fleeting moments of happiness. Yes, we should spend our time doing things that will ultimately make us happy with how we spent our time.
Confused yet?
Imagine looking back at the end of a day. How do you feel about it? The good, bad, awkward, itchy, confused totality of it. Are you pleased? Grateful? Would you look back on a life filled with similar days and think, “not too shabby?”
That may not mean you have a ton of “happy” moments. But your emotional needs are met. Maybe even exceeded on occasion.
You feel safe. You feel cared for. You feel included and seen. You feel like you’re working towards something that matters. Something that lifts you up and makes you believe more is possible.
This is why I coach. To help people tune into those emotional needs. To create more days that land on the plus side of shabby. To create a life that strings those days together into something you can feel good about, proud of, grateful for, with a sprinkle of “what the hell was that” to taste.
I focus on work with my coaching because we spend nearly half our waking hours there. And when it’s good, it can provide a bunch of those moments that feed our soul. But I also believe the best coaching conversations leave room for the non-work stuff that inevitably blends and blurs its way into our 9-5.
All of it matters.
So, perhaps the question isn’t “are you happy,” but rather, are you in touch with your emotional needs well enough to accurately assess the quality of your life on an ongoing basis so you can feel happy with the mosaic of moments that make up the ever-deepening totality of your existence?
It’s not quite as pithy, but it works. Wanna work on it together?
#desuckifywork #happiness #emotionalneeds #coaching #mmmdonuts